Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
