I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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