After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
