i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
