even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
