ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
