I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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