my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
