Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
