I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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