I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
