tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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