y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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