This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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