i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
