Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
