I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
