A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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