Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
