someone threw a dead crab at me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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