should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
