did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
