He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
