Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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