a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
