I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Randomize
