maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
