she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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