i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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