You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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