The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
