seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
