you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
