Did you just see the Batmobile???
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
