Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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