Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
