I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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