just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
