I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
