I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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