You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
