Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
