Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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