i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
