this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He shit in the fireplace
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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