he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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