Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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