I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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