that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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