If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
