it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize