You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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