Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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